Changing My Life will be a small journey of my quest to become a better wife and mother and follower of God. I am not even sure how to write about this but here it goes...
I have had such a heavy heart for some time now. I have tried my hardest to be the best I can for my family but I believe I am failing. I think this is because I am not living as God wants me to. I want to be my best but I have to listen to Him and His guidance. I haven't been to a church since Mother's Day and I do not belong to a church for several reasons, but I believe that I can live as He wants me to by following His word in the Bible. Then, I may find a church but there are a lot of hypocrites out there that attend church for all the wrong reasons and I do not wish to be around people like that.
Since my heart has been heavy, I have slowly been breaking down. I am always tired, I cry, I feel like I am failing as a mother and wife. I do not put my husband before my child as God wants me to and I am working hard to change myself to do right. Not to go into major details, I have trust issues with men and I believe that is why I have trouble putting my husband before my child. I just know God wants me to put my husband first and I am listening to Him speak to me daily. I hope I do not fail God again by going against His word.
Another thing that has been hurting me is my job outside the home. I am really believing that my true calling in life is to be a wife and mother. I cannot be this while working outside of the home. I cannot take care of my family as I should and I am letting them down. However, financially I cannot quit my job right now and I am praying that God will take care of my family and our needs. I am done worrying about everything and I am letting Him handle my problems and fears. This is a huge deal for me because I have not let Him in my heart in a long time.
My husband constantly feels that I don't give him enough attention or time. My daughter talks back and does not respect me or our home. I feel like such a failure but I cannot do everything if I am not home to take care of it. I feel really alone a lot of days. I feel God talking to me and I hear him loud and clear. I am tired of being sad, alone, depressed and just plain tired. I trust God completely.
I have talked a little to my husband about this. He says that I cannot quit my job right now. We need my income until he can figure out what he needs to do with his job and his company. He really enjoys working for the insurance company but still feels obligated to his company. I have left the decision to him as to what he wants to focus on to provide for his family. I have learned that God does not want me to tell my husband what to do, so I am trying to be understanding about all this.
I just hope I can stay on track and follow God. If anyone has any ideas or advice, please feel free to comment. I will post more on this topic as time goes by.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
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3 comments:
I have struggled with many of the same things for years. For years I wanted nothing more than to be home and raise my own children. I took a small step toward that direction and opened a daycare for 6 years until my dh graduated from school and could provide for us. I have only been a stay-at-home-mom for 7 months and wouldn't change it. I look back over that long and sometimes painful daycare journey and know I did the right thing. Perhaps find someway to work from home until you can fully stay at home?
I also understand about your general struggles with being a wife and mother and the whole time problem. Boy do I understand! I feel that since we moved and since I became a SAHM I haven't been able to get my life under control. One nice and also bad thing with daycare is that I was forced to be home until the evening when I could run errands. During the time I looked forward to spending time at playgroups and time with other mommies. I kept a near perfect house, cooked great meals and did preschool activities (or the like) during that time. Now that I have more time, I find that I am hardly home. There is always somewhere to be, something to do and my family has taken a tole. I am trying to find a new balance in my life where I can spend time outside of my home but also have time for my family, scripture reading, meals, and everything else.
This probably isn't much help, but know that you are not alone in this!
You are not alone. My daughters both have to work outside the home and do nothing but wish to stay home with their children. Luckily, I can be their day care... love those grandbabies. Good luck to you. I am sure God smiles on you and just know you are not alone in your feelings. Love to your little family.
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