Changing My Life-Part 1

Changing My Life will be a small journey of my quest to become a better wife and mother and follower of God. I am not even sure how to write about this but here it goes...

I have had such a heavy heart for some time now. I have tried my hardest to be the best I can for my family but I believe I am failing. I think this is because I am not living as God wants me to. I want to be my best but I have to listen to Him and His guidance. I haven't been to a church since Mother's Day and I do not belong to a church for several reasons, but I believe that I can live as He wants me to by following His word in the Bible. Then, I may find a church but there are a lot of hypocrites out there that attend church for all the wrong reasons and I do not wish to be around people like that.

Since my heart has been heavy, I have slowly been breaking down. I am always tired, I cry, I feel like I am failing as a mother and wife. I do not put my husband before my child as God wants me to and I am working hard to change myself to do right. Not to go into major details, I have trust issues with men and I believe that is why I have trouble putting my husband before my child. I just know God wants me to put my husband first and I am listening to Him speak to me daily. I hope I do not fail God again by going against His word.

Another thing that has been hurting me is my job outside the home. I am really believing that my true calling in life is to be a wife and mother. I cannot be this while working outside of the home. I cannot take care of my family as I should and I am letting them down. However, financially I cannot quit my job right now and I am praying that God will take care of my family and our needs. I am done worrying about everything and I am letting Him handle my problems and fears. This is a huge deal for me because I have not let Him in my heart in a long time.

My husband constantly feels that I don't give him enough attention or time. My daughter talks back and does not respect me or our home. I feel like such a failure but I cannot do everything if I am not home to take care of it. I feel really alone a lot of days. I feel God talking to me and I hear him loud and clear. I am tired of being sad, alone, depressed and just plain tired. I trust God completely.

I have talked a little to my husband about this. He says that I cannot quit my job right now. We need my income until he can figure out what he needs to do with his job and his company. He really enjoys working for the insurance company but still feels obligated to his company. I have left the decision to him as to what he wants to focus on to provide for his family. I have learned that God does not want me to tell my husband what to do, so I am trying to be understanding about all this.

I just hope I can stay on track and follow God. If anyone has any ideas or advice, please feel free to comment. I will post more on this topic as time goes by.